Losing the will to believe (part 2)

Even though I had come to question the validity of much Rabbinic interpretation of Jewish law, for a while, I continued to continue to uphold Jewish laws (e.g., keeping kosher, observign Sabbath). But, questioning whether God had commanded many of the laws with which I was raised cleared the way for further questioning.

It's not that one who denies rabbinic authority need logically reject all of Judaism (and for a while, I was intrigued by some Karaite writings). But, the intellectual rejection of rabbinic authority makes it psychologically easier to consider whether the rest of the Jewish edifice with which I had been raised was really a reflection of God's will. And, much as I concluded that Rabbinic writings were more likely a reflection of Rabbis' views than of God's commandment, I found it increasingly more plausible that the bible itself was a creation of man, rather than the word of God.

While the thought may be simple, and in a way seems somewhat simple to me now, at the time, it was a real struggle. In the grips of a theory with which I had been raised, and which, for some period of time I genuinely believed, it was a real struggle to conceive of the idea that the world was, in fact, much different than I had imagined.

After coming to the belief that God didn't write the bible, the further question of God became less interesting. Judaism being a very practice-oriented religion, if God hadn't commanded Jewish practice, then the source of Judaism's normative force disappeared - there was no reason to continue to obey Jewish law. Whether there was some divine being who hadn't told us to do anything seemed less relevant (eventually, I came to the view that the idea of God, like the Torah, was much more likely a creation of humans).