Losing the will to believe (part 2)

Even though I had come to question the validity of much Rabbinic interpretation of Jewish law, for a while, I continued to continue to uphold Jewish laws (e.g., keeping kosher, observign Sabbath). But, questioning whether God had commanded many of the laws with which I was raised cleared the way for further questioning.

It's not that one who denies rabbinic authority need logically reject all of Judaism (and for a while, I was intrigued by some Karaite writings). But, the intellectual rejection of rabbinic authority makes it psychologically easier to consider whether the rest of the Jewish edifice with which I had been raised was really a reflection of God's will. And, much as I concluded that Rabbinic writings were more likely a reflection of Rabbis' views than of God's commandment, I found it increasingly more plausible that the bible itself was a creation of man, rather than the word of God.

While the thought may be simple, and in a way seems somewhat simple to me now, at the time, it was a real struggle. In the grips of a theory with which I had been raised, and which, for some period of time I genuinely believed, it was a real struggle to conceive of the idea that the world was, in fact, much different than I had imagined.

After coming to the belief that God didn't write the bible, the further question of God became less interesting. Judaism being a very practice-oriented religion, if God hadn't commanded Jewish practice, then the source of Judaism's normative force disappeared - there was no reason to continue to obey Jewish law. Whether there was some divine being who hadn't told us to do anything seemed less relevant (eventually, I came to the view that the idea of God, like the Torah, was much more likely a creation of humans).

Losing the will to believe (part 1)

For me, leaving religion was a result of ceasing to believe in the fundamental tenets of Judaism. And, this loss of belief preceded changes in my day-to-day practice and adherence to Jewish law.

My loss of belief came in phases. First, thinking about day-to-day practice led me to wonder about the authority conferred on Rabbis to determine the proper interpretation of the law, for instance:

1) Even if one were to accept that God gave the Torah to Moses at Sinai (and delivered along with it a set of oral law), why think that the Rabbis who codified the mishnah and the Talmud correctly resolved uncertainties about what the oral law is. That is, why think that the Talmud made no mistakes about the law God was purported to have given to Moses at Sinai?

2) Even if one assumed that the Talmud correctlycaptured the oral law, why think that the early commentators on the Talmud (the rishonim, e.g., Maimonides) knew better how to resolve uncertainties in the talmud than later commentators.

3) Why assume that the shulchan aruch, a 16th century codification of Jewish law that is generally considered doctrine in orthodox communities correctly resolved the uncertainties it addressed about what was the proper interpretation of Jewish law?

Faith in God was one thing; blind deference to learned Rabbis (however learned and wise, but still, of course, human and fallible) was another.

Welcome and what this blog is about

I decided to write this blog after reading a number of blogs written by people who were leaving, or had left, the religion in which they were raised. My story comes with a little twist, in that much of it is retrospective. I grew up in a Modern Orthodox Jewish household and community, but stopped believing around the time I went to college - more than a decade ago. In college (which, for me, pre-dated the rise of blogs as a social phenomenon), I turned for support to a small number of friends - raised both Jewish and Christian - who were also contending with their own loss of belief and its ramifications on relationships, life plans, etc. And others in similar situations turned to me for support.

As the years have gone on, leaving religion has become less and less a part of my day-to-day life and interactions. But, I think the story is worth telling - both for me and, I hope, for others who are trying to figure out how to build a life different from the one they were raised in. I also hope that, in the temporal distance from some of these events, I can provide a longer-term perspective on how some of the challenges can unfold, and be resolved.

And (since Passover has recently ended), the more one retells the story of the exodus from religion, the more (s)he is to be praised.